On The Passive Regressive Voice

On the Passive Regressive Voice

The Passive Regressive Voice is one which all of us know intuitively, but few really understand. It is the particular voice most people use when they encounter small babies and warm-blooded pets. It is characterized by a sing-song cadence, an excessive amount of nonsense words, and what can best be described as cooing.

Avoid the use of the Passive Regressive Voice at all times. To the outsider, it indicates one has suffered a stroke, or perhaps a congenital brain defect. To the subject of the Voice, it indicates that you can be seduced by something as simple as a batting doe-eye smile or the wagging of a tail. It is indecent to teach babies and pets that the world will unfold to their whims, and debilitating to one’s reputation to be seen as so pliant.

Both doting parents and pet owners who use the Passive Regressive Voice raise serious questions on the legitimacy of their mental stability and prowess. Strangers who use the Voice are to be shunned on principle. A Vile Old Queen suggests avoiding both infants and companion animals that one does not consider a blood relation, or does not own. If one must encounter such diminutive creatures, merely use a weak smile and nod, then turn away.

- From A Vile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living
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