On Handbags

On Handbags

The scale of one’s handbag should be inversely proportional to the accomplishments of one’s life goals. If you heft an ninety-pound sack filled with the detritus of your sad life it is probably needlessly swollen by your empty intentions. 

Consider the heiress, going out for the evening with a bag so small she may only squeeze in a credit card, a tube of lip gloss, and a single evening’s stash of drugs. In a pinch she may slip the tiny clutch into a crevice of her own body, (not advised when the bag is jeweled).

Unless one is smuggling endangered animals, or shoplifting mink coats, an overly large bag may be indicative of a serious mental condition. If you need an entire passenger seat of a vehicle to carry your purse, you should consider seeking professional help.

Men who carry a handbag should be cautioned that, in America, a masculine and subdued palette and workmanlike construction is preferable to glossy or ‘fun’ materials and bright colors. In Italy, however, the men have more flamboyant purses than the women. This is not to be confused with homosexuality, as straight Italian men have been known to wear Capri slacks.

- From AVile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living
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