On Bridal Showers

On Bridal Showers
Unless one works as a professional stripper, one should avoid attendance of the Bridal Shower if at all possible. The company of squealing women pretending to enjoy the prospect of another’s blighted plan for marriage is a sure path to despair. If one must attend, better to come pre-fortified with strong drink or the tranquilizer of one’s choice.

When choosing a gift, consider the bride carefully. While you may enjoy the marital aid with the choice of three speeds and five clever configurations, she may be mortified, particularly over such seemingly minor details as color and girth. Like breakfast eggs, the preferences in one’s sex toys are painfully particular to the individual. Unless mortification is one’s aim, a more decorous choice might be something silky only one size too small with a discrete return tag at the bottom of the box.

While at the event, avoid all mention of your personally experienced missteps of the groom’s sexual history. It is her bed, and now she will have to lay in it. Instead smile through whatever inane choices the bride plans for the wedding and honeymoon, and spend that time considering a good excuse to avoid becoming a bridesmaid. In a pinch, the whispered confession of a highly contagious skin disease should do the trick.

- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

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