On Body Odor

On Body Odor

Body odor is very much like hair; in the right place it’s a sexual stimulant that is captivating to the senses and a signifier of beauty and allure. In the wrong place it’s a disgusting and repulsive insult that can cause grown men to gag in reflex. A Vile Old Queen suggests these small tips for keeping one’s body odor pleasant and agreeable.

– Avoid strenuous exercise if at all possible. Perspiration is merely the tip of disagreeableness of this iceberg.

– If one uses cologne, remember the idea is to create an intimate whiff of a subtle scent for someone standing a hand’s breadth apart from you. It is not to cause people three feet away to tear up and gasp for breath. If people wince as you enter an elevator, it is a clue that you have applied too much.

– When seeking to purchase a personal scent, anything excreted by a small mammal is only appropriate if one wishes to attract the same small mammal. AVOQ suggests psychological counseling if that is one’s true inclination.

– When considering a scent endorsed by a musical celebrity, remember that their actual bodily secretions were not used to create it.

– If you encounter the girl offering a free sample spray at the fragrance station in a department store, remember that anything given away is usually worth exactly what you paid for it.

– Lastly, but most importantly, unless one is a Lesbian Hippie with a terrible sense of personal boundaries, the wearing of Patchouli Oil should be avoided at all times. No other scent lingers so long, nor causes such nausea. Patchouli Oil has been implicated in the death of the Sixties.


From A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette And Proper Living

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