No celebration displays more overblown enthusiasm for what is, in fact, the slimmest of accomplishments. In general, birthdays are simply an excuse to eat cake.
Only a handful of birthdays have real significance; the 13th for Jews, the 15th for Hispanic girls, the 16th for girls of a certain class, and the 18th for Americans who believe that their political vote actually matters. Appropriate gifts are cash (Bar and Bat Mitzvahs), a crucifix (Quinceañera), jewelry or a car (Sweet Sixteen), and one’s restraint from destroying their naive foolish hopes (Enfranchisement.)
The two most important birthdays, of course, are when one reaches Legal Drinking Age, and Age of Consent, the gifts for which are self-evident.
While A Vile Old Queen discourages gifts for anyone else whose only achievement is that they survived yet another year, there are times when one must provide a gift, if only to enjoy the cake.
Here then is AVOQ’s recommended list of age appropriate gifts. Remember that the gift wrap should match the ribbon, and the transparency of the tape should reflect the opacity of your genuine regard.
1 – 8 Candy (for child)
Sedatives (for parents)
9 – 12 Amusing Wig (for boys)
Attractive Wig (for girls)
Strong Drink (for parents)
13 – 17 Boarding School (for own child)
Prophylactics (for other’s child)
18 – 20 Bail (for own child)
Request of dealer’s phone # (other’s)
21 Invitation to leave home (own child)
Invitation to come home (other’s)
22 – 29 Good Fellatio (boys)
Fancy Dinner (girls)
30 – 49 Nice Wine and Good Drugs (friends)
Cheap Wine and Bad Drugs (foes)
50 – 59 Plastic Surgeon Referral
60 – 69 Pharmaceutical Tips
70 – 79 Candy (for senior)
Sedatives (for adult child caregiver)
80+ Stripper (for senior)
Iron Clad Will (for adult child)
Cash with Big Tip (for stripper)
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