tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56330873054917007102024-03-05T06:35:42.694-06:00Jason Messinger WritesJason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comBlogger96125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-87026942492889189822020-06-22T19:39:00.008-05:002020-06-23T13:07:54.158-05:00Dipped<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">‘Dipped’</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25.1px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">Before the plague</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">unleashed it’s sickle</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">our lives were pickle, </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">multicolor stipple,</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">salt and sweet and sour,</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">a changing relish every hour.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25.1px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">And now our lives -</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">homogenized,</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">All our days</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">are mayonnaise. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25.1px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">But sirens slather us in loss,</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">injustice burns like pepper sauce,</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">our mouths are spiced in rage, dissent.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">Pain remains our condiment.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 25.1px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;"></span><br /></p><ul class="ul1" style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"><li class="li1" style="color: #454545; font-family: ".sf ui display"; font-size: 21px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 16pt;"></span><span class="s1" style="font-family: ".sfuidisplay"; font-size: 21pt;">Jason Messinger 6/22/2020</span></li></ul>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-36927894047324086402020-02-14T16:21:00.006-06:002020-08-07T10:13:31.557-05:00Roses are Dread<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Valentine</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Roses are dread.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Violets are rue.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Orchids are panic.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Tulips; untrue.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Flowers are horrors.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Jewelry, malign. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Cards are all sorrow.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">But Chocolates? <i>Sublime</i>.</span>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-25046173974478763972019-09-18T16:20:00.002-05:002020-06-23T06:04:33.731-05:00 “Twelve Months- a meditation on aging” - by Autocorrect <div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“<b>Twelve Months- <i>a meditation on agin</i>g” </b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>- <i>by Autocorrect </i></b></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal; min-height: 13.8px;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Janitorial</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Febrifuge</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Marred</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Apraxia</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Mayo</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Junky</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Julep</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Aughts</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Septoplasty</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Octogenarian</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Novocaine</span></div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-size: large;">Decimate</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></div>
Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-50829751877093138282014-06-17T08:18:00.000-05:002014-06-17T08:18:04.520-05:00On Birthdays - From a Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette And Proper Living<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" height="320" width="210" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><u><b>On
Birthdays </b></u></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">No celebration displays more overblown
enthusiasm for what is, in fact, the slimmest of accomplishments. In general,
birthdays are simply an excuse to eat cake.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Only a handful of birthdays have real
significance; the 13<sup>th</sup> for Jews, the 15<sup>th</sup> for Hispanic
girls, the 16<sup>th</sup> for girls of a certain class, and the 18<sup>th</sup>
for Americans who believe that their political vote actually matters. Appropriate
gifts are cash <i>(Bar and Bat Mitzvahs)</i>,
a crucifix <i>(Quinceañera)</i>, jewelry or
a car <i>(Sweet Sixteen),</i> and one’s restraint
from destroying their naive foolish hopes <i>(Enfranchisement.)</i> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The two most important birthdays, of course, are when one reaches <i>Legal Drinking Age</i>, and <i>Age of Consent</i>, the gifts for which are
self-evident. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">While A Vile Old Queen discourages gifts for
anyone else whose only achievement is that they survived yet another year,
there are times when one <i>must</i> provide
a gift, if only to enjoy the cake. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Here then is AVOQ’s recommended list of age
appropriate gifts. Remember that the gift wrap should match the ribbon, and the
transparency of the tape should reflect the opacity of your genuine regard.</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><u>Birthday</u></b> <b><u>Gift</u></b> </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">1
– 8 Candy
(for child)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Sedatives
(for parents)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">9
– 12 Amusing
Wig (for boys)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Attractive
Wig (for girls)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Strong
Drink (for parents) </span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">13
– 17 Boarding
School (for own child)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Prophylactics
(for other’s child)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">18
– 20 Bail
(for own child)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Request of dealer’s phone # (other’s)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 2in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">21 Invitation
to <i>leave</i> home (own child)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Invitation
to <i>come</i> home (other’s)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">22
– 29 Good
Fellatio (boys)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Fancy
Dinner (girls)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">30
– 49 Nice
Wine and Good Drugs (friends)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Cheap
Wine and Bad Drugs (foes)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">50
– 59 Plastic
Surgeon Referral</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">60
– 69 Pharmaceutical
Tips</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">70
– 79 Candy
(for senior)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Sedatives
(for adult child caregiver)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">80+ Stripper
(for senior)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Iron
Clad Will (for adult child)</span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">
</span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> Cash
with Big Tip (for stripper)</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>- From<b>
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Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-7094746952339070722014-05-23T09:21:00.004-05:002014-05-23T09:30:09.824-05:00On Slacks - from "A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette and Proper Living"<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i></i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" height="320" width="210" /></a></i></span></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>"With men’s slacks, the more expensive they are, the more fasteners are sewn in. An inexpensive pair of jeans have a button and a zipper, while a true gentleman’s slacks will add from two to four additional buttons, and at least one hook and eye system ‘just in case’. </i></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i>A similarly redundancy can be found in costly woman’s brassieres. The lesson is that casualness in the ability to strip is inversely proportionate to wealth. Remember that the next time you are inebriated."</i></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>- From<b>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a></span></b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: large;"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" height="1" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span><br />
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" height="85" width="200" /></a>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-85215629218461689122014-02-14T07:30:00.000-06:002014-02-14T07:30:00.114-06:00In honor of Valentine's Day<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><u><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Sweet Smith</span></u><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>There
was a place where a sweet smith lived, who made sweets for children and
adults. He made sweets as yellow as sunshine, and as dark as earth.
Sweets as finely carved as insects, and as crudely shaped as rocks. Some
were small like raindrops, others large as millstones. Some were as
thin as a spider’s web, others as brittle as a wasp nest. But all were
as sweet as the honey bee’s home, as sweet as your first secret kiss, as
sweet as a baby’s ten toes. The sweet smith delighted everyone with his
creations, but especially himself. </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>Now
in this same place was a woman who knew all the names of everything,
and all the words ever written, and all the ways that this becomes that,
and that becomes this. But one thing always eluded the woman, one thing
she could not learn. What was inside her own heart? At last the woman
decided that perhaps someone else could see what eluded her, so she
found the sweet smith and gave him a request. "Make me a sweet that is
filled the same as my own heart." </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>The
sweet smith looked in his recipe books, and searched through his
shelves. He went a great distance for the things he needed, and spent a
long time perfecting his plan. At last he made the sweet, and called the
woman in. </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>"Here it is," said the sweet smith. "Here is the sweet, filled the same as your own heart."</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>"Ah," said the woman who picked it up, then put it down, then turned around and left.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>"Wait," cried the sweet smith, "don’t you want to taste?" </span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span>"You eat it," smiled the woman, walking away.</span><br />
<span><br /></span>
<span><br /></span>
<span><i>From <u><b>The Insect Diviner</b></u></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<i><u><b><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">On The Wearing of Bolo Ties</span></span></b></u></i><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">A Bolo Tie is not a necktie, it is a shoelace
with delusions of grandeur. Unless one has at least 500 head of cattle, or
sells turquoise jewelry for a living, one should avoid this affectation.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><i>- From<b>
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<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Jason Messinger's hysterical Etiquette Guide - </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">"A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette & Proper Living,"</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">is the newest addition to the Shop Lulu On-line Book Store !</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><b><a href="http://shop.lulu.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">http://shop.lulu.com</a></b></span>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-70469321331534058272013-12-29T12:23:00.000-06:002014-01-01T13:21:24.287-06:00On Dealing With Unwanted Guests<b><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">When dealing with unwanted Party Guests, there is only one sure method to make them depart - offer them Raclette Cheese.</span></span></i></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i><br />Here is the recipe for success:</i></b><br /> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">1) Announce gaily that you have a special treat you are going to serve. Try not to smirk at the expectant smiles of your inebriated<br />guests.<br /> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">2) Unwrap the Raclette Cheese. It will smell impossibly bad, like the toes of a filthy hobo, or a long unattended infection. Let the<br />cheese rest on the counter, while your more delicate guests begin to find their coats.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">3) Prepare the condiments for the cheese; cubed bread, gherkin pickles, small boiled potatoes. The more adventurous eaters will now draw closer to you - and the fatal blow.<br /> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">4) Melt the cheese over low heat in a saucepan. The previously condensed malodorous stench will be unbound from the cheese, and expand in the air like a chemical weapon of biblical proportions. Do not worry about guests who are soiling your bedroom in furtive encounters, or are looting your medicine cabinet behind a locked door, the stench will reach even the farthest reaches of one’s home.<br /> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">5) Exchange your hurried good-byes with the remaining guests, who all suddenly realized that they left an iron on, or a baby sitter unpaid, or had just received an urgent call from an ill relative and <i>just had to leave.</i><br /> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">6) Minutes later, with everyone gone, go back to the kitchen, where the cheese has now released its toxic smell and turned into an<br />appetizing treat both unctuous and quite delicious. Enjoy the sublime vindication of eating it all by yourself.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i>- From<b>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>A Vile Old Queen</b> offers the most nuanced advice on proper manners,
correct grammar, personal hygiene, social obligations, and how to
maintain one's social position at the best parties. </i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Dedicated to the Vile Old Queens </i></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>of a bygone yesteryear</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>That's you, Darling </i></span></span></div>
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<ul>
<li><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">Review From A Straight Fan -</span> "<span style="color: #783f04;">Gay humor that anyone will laugh with!" </span></span></span></i></li>
<li><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="color: #274e13;">From Your Favorite Bachelor Uncle -</span> <span style="color: #783f04;">"If don't you find this funny, you
must be dead!" </span></span></span></i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="color: #274e13;">From A Jealous Evil Queen - </span><span style="color: #783f04;">"Sometimes the best thing to do is remain
silent." </span></i></span></span><br /><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"> </span></i></span></b></li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://vileoldqueen.com/" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">VileOldQueen.com</span></b></span></a></div>
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<br />Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-3457069173828985692013-07-15T09:40:00.001-05:002013-12-05T07:33:52.593-06:00On Weddings<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s320/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" width="209" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><u><b>On Weddings</b></u><br />Few
things are more loathsome in life than a wedding; the pompous
invitation, the terribly forced and unnatural schedule, the
uncomfortable and unattractive attire. A guest list that rarely includes
anyone you want to talk to. The gaucherie of a gift registry. The
horrific music and dancing. All covered with the slickly sickening sheen
of religious piety and social necessity.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />A
Vile Old Queen suggests one avoid attending all weddings if at all
possible. For gifts, despite all indications to the contrary, everyone
prefers cash. If your own wedding is in development, elopement may prove
a saner course.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />If
one has a sadistic trait, however, your own marriage can make sweet
retribution for all the weddings you felt obligated to attend. There is
no better vengeance than being the Bride and selecting the Bridesmaid’s
gowns. If one has the misfortune to be the Best Man, the toast is your
time for revenge. If one is the Groom, remember that, like in surgery,
the right amount of anesthesia can make it all go away.</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- From
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living</span></i></a></span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">VileOldQueen.com</span></b></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" /></a><br />
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-11342339715108920072013-03-30T09:39:00.005-05:002014-05-23T09:31:51.855-05:00On Hats<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s200/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" height="200" width="131" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Hats are best left to professionals, unless one is<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>attending Church or a Sunday Brunch, in which<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>case there are no wrong choices, merely less heroic<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>ones.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">from<b> <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><u><i>A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette and Proper Living</i></u></a></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" /></a><br />
<i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" height="1" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-69642297880607944252013-03-20T09:51:00.003-05:002013-03-20T09:51:52.757-05:00Hopeless<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-8628664271295571421" itemprop="description articleBody">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span><b>Hopeless</b></span><br />
<span><b> </b></span> <br />
<span>If you still have hanging</span><br />
<span>a Christmas stocking</span><br />
<span>on the first day of Spring,</span><br />
<span>you need to know;</span><br />
<span>Santa </span><br />
<span>isn't </span><br />
<span>coming.</span></span></span></div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-8628664271295571421" itemprop="description articleBody">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="post-body entry-content" id="post-body-8628664271295571421" itemprop="description articleBody">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span><br />
</span></span></span><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<b><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">from "Storytelling" by Jason Messinger</span></span></i></b></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><a href="http://www.lulu.com/product/file-download/story-telling/15349657">Storytelling as PDF File Download</a> </i></span></div>
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">
<span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004VT3LXY">Storytelling on KINDLE</a></i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span> </span></span></span>
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</a></span></span>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-58674177057549327592013-02-11T21:04:00.003-06:002013-12-05T07:35:13.048-06:00On Body Odor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s200/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" width="131" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;"><u><b>On Body Odor</b></u><br /><br />Body odor is very much like hair; in the right place it’s a sexual stimulant that is captivating to the senses and a signifier of beauty and allure. In the wrong place it’s a disgusting and repulsive insult that can cause grown men to gag in reflex. A Vile Old Queen suggests these small tips for keeping one’s body odor pleasant and agreeable.<br /><br />– Avoid strenuous exercise if at all possible. Perspiration is merely the tip of disagreeableness of this iceberg. <br /><br />– If one uses cologne, remember the idea is to create an intimate whiff of a subtle scent for someone standing a hand’s breadth apart from you. It is not to cause people three feet away to tear up and gasp for breath. If people wince as you enter an elevator, it is a clue that you have applied too much.<br /><br />– When seeking to purchase a personal scent, anything excreted by a small mammal is only appropriate if one wishes to attract the same small mammal. AVOQ suggests psychological counseling if that is one’s true inclination.<br /><br />– When considering a scent endorsed by a musical celebrity, remember that their actual bodily secretions were not used to create it. <br /><br />– If you encounter the girl offering a free sample spray at the fragrance station in a department store, remember that anything given away is usually worth exactly what you paid for it.<br /><br />– Lastly, but most importantly, unless one is a Lesbian Hippie with a terrible sense of personal boundaries, the wearing of Patchouli Oil should be avoided at all times. No other scent lingers so long, nor causes such nausea. Patchouli Oil has been implicated in the death of the Sixties. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;"><br /> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: large;">From <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><i><u>A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette And Proper Living</u></i></a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span><br />
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<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" /></a>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-15801247920391965932013-01-30T22:33:00.002-06:002013-01-30T22:34:28.086-06:00The Aviary<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />If God is a Dove<br />cooing our law,<br />then are Humans an Eagle<br />entrails in claw?<br /><br />If Honor is a Crane<br />poised on one leg,<br />then is Pride a Peacock<br />atop a cracked egg?<br /><br />If Joy is the Rooster<br />crowing the morn,<br />then is Dread the Raven<br />cawing forlorn?<br /><br />If Wishes are Starlings<br />both weaving and fleet,<br />then are Curses Vultures<br />that chew out our sweet?<br /><br />If Fate is an Albatross<br />hung huge cross our flight, <br />then is Luck an Owl,<br />both wisdom and fright?<br /><br />If Love is the Robin<br />hope burnt with each cheep,<br />then is Loss the Nightingale<br />who sings us to weep?<br /><br />And am I the Crow;<br />the trickster, the wit<span style="font-size: large;">?</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;">O</span>r I am the Dodo;<br />fat, foolish, unfit?<br /><br />Will You be the Falcon,<br />hearts pierced <span style="font-size: large;">with</span> your dive<span style="font-size: large;">?</span><br /><span style="font-size: large;">O</span>r are You the Canary,<br />who warns our demise?</span></span><br />
<br />
<br />Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-55911159791740270472013-01-29T22:47:00.000-06:002013-12-05T07:56:54.919-06:00Ashenputtle<div class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><u><span style="font-weight: bold;">Ashenputtle</span></u></span></span></div>
<div class="post-title entry-title" itemprop="name">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">
Here is quiet<br />
locked in the body by the hearth.<br />
Resolve a fine lace<br />
worn thin around her heart.<br />
Where is pride<br />
when shoes are rags,<br />
when clothes are as patched<br />
as freedom?<br />
<br />
Here is spite,<br />
the stepmother archetype,<br />
her brood of jealousy.<br />
Worked into the frenzied cruelty<br />
of the well dressed,<br />
the well heeled,<br />
the socially ambitious.<br />
Who dares to travel<br />
to the Prince’s Ball?<br />
Here is pride<br />
as tart as vinegar.<br />
<br />
Here is vanity, genie bottle,<br />
maternal substitute,<br />
beauty makeover.<br />
The great mirror<br />
in which dark is light,<br />
gourds are carriages,<br />
mice are stallions,<br />
rags are haute couture.<br />
Where is modesty<br />
when you’re better accessorized<br />
than Barbie?<br />
<br />
Here is gaiety<br />
for the King’s best son;<br />
the whirligig,<br />
the swooning girls,<br />
a real gas.<br />
Fetching as a pumpkin pie,<br />
succulent partner<br />
with the fireplace eyes.<br />
Dream date romance,<br />
truer than Harlequin’s,<br />
dry as ash.<br />
<br />
Here is modesty-<br />
Midnight bell,<br />
the virgin’s best friend.<br />
Chastely, quickly,<br />
fleeing into poverty.<br />
Carriage rots.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Stallions squeak.<br />
Her only trace<br />
Chanel number 5<br />
and the best looking shoe<br />
in the world.<br />
<br />
Here is obsession<br />
for the riches and glory<br />
of the perfect foot<br />
for the perfect shoe.<br />
So pretty it hurts.<br />
A brutal rite,<br />
a fainting bind,<br />
a bloody stump.<br />
Here is obsession<br />
as clear as glass.<br />
<br />
Here is happiness<br />
like a sieve.<br />
Foot fetish marries<br />
the cleaning compulsive.<br />
What love lasts </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">when beauty fades?<br />
The sullen remorse,<br />
the childless castle,<br />
the hateful family.<br />
Perfect.<br />
To bed by midnight<br />
in glass slippers.<br />
<br />
What price a dream<br />
without practicality?<br />
Who cares for cake<br />
without a meal?<br />
Here is hope<br />
a dusty treasure<br />
murmured softly,<br />
longingly,<br />
by the fire.<br />
Crystal clear.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 100%;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 100%;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 100%; font-style: italic;">From <span style="font-weight: bold;">EATING THE CHILD WITHIN</span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ca%20href=%22http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004QZ9RXG/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B004QZ9RXG&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20%22%3EEating%20The%20Child%20Within%3C/a%3E%3Cimg%20src=%22http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B004QZ9RXG%22%20width=%221%22%20height=%221%22%20border=%220%22%20alt=%22%22%20style=%22border:none%20!important;%20margin:0px%20!important;%22%20/%3E">Eating the Child Within Kindle Version</a></span></span><br />
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Order BOOK or download PDF</span></span></span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s200/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" height="320" width="211" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">On
Bridal Showers </span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: large;">Unless one works as a professional stripper, one
should avoid attendance of the Bridal Shower if at all possible. The company of
squealing women pretending to enjoy the prospect of another’s blighted plan for
marriage is a sure path to despair. If one must attend, better to come
pre-fortified with strong drink or the tranquilizer of one’s choice. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: large;">When choosing a gift, consider the bride
carefully. While <i>you</i> may enjoy the
marital aid with the choice of three speeds and five clever configurations, <i>she</i> may be mortified, particularly over
such seemingly minor details as color and girth. Like breakfast eggs, the
preferences in one’s sex toys are painfully particular to the individual.
Unless mortification <i>is</i> one’s aim, a
more decorous choice might be something silky only one size too small with a
discrete return tag at the bottom of the box. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: large;">While at the event, avoid all mention of your
personally experienced missteps of the groom’s sexual history. It is her bed,
and now she will have to lay in it. Instead smile through whatever inane
choices the bride plans for the wedding and honeymoon, and spend that time
considering a good excuse to avoid becoming a bridesmaid. In a pinch, the
whispered confession of a highly contagious skin disease should do the trick. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- From
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living</span></i></a></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">VileOldQueen.com </span></b></span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a></span></b></i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" height="86" width="200" /></a> </span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" height="1" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-52381308656861532602012-10-19T22:42:00.000-05:002013-12-05T07:36:10.069-06:00On Handbags<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s200/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" width="131" /></a></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>On Handbags</b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">The scale of one’s handbag should be inversely<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>proportional to the accomplishments of one’s life<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>goals. If you heft an ninety-pound sack filled with<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>the detritus of your sad life it is probably needlessly<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>swollen by your empty intentions. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Consider the<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>heiress, going out for the evening with a bag so<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>small she may only squeeze in a credit card, a tube<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>of lip gloss, and a single evening’s stash of drugs. In<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>a pinch she may slip the tiny clutch into a crevice of<span style="font-size: large;"> </span>her own body, <i>(not advised when the bag is jeweled).</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">Unless one is smuggling endangered animals, or shoplifting mink coats, an overly large bag may be indicative of a serious mental condition. If you need an entire passenger seat of a vehicle to carry your purse, you should consider seeking professional help.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: large;">Men who carry a handbag should be cautioned that, in America, a masculine and subdued palette and workmanlike construction is preferable to glossy or ‘fun’ materials and bright colors. In Italy, however, the men have more flamboyant purses than the women. This is not to be confused with homosexuality, as straight Italian men have been known to wear Capri slacks.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- From
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">AVile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living</span></i></a></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">VileOldQueen.com</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"> </span></b></span>
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-64571360945968259912012-09-12T20:50:00.000-05:002013-12-05T07:38:49.490-06:00On The Passive Regressive Voice<style>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style";">On the Passive Regressive Voice</span></b><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style";"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style";">The <i>Passive
Regressive Voice</i> is one which all of us know intuitively, but few really
understand. It is the particular voice most people use when they encounter
small babies and warm-blooded pets. It is characterized by a sing-song cadence,
an excessive amount of nonsense words, and what can best be described as <i>cooing.</i> </span><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style";"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style";">Avoid the use of the <i>Passive Regressive Voice</i> at all times.
To the outsider, it indicates one has suffered a stroke, or perhaps a
congenital brain defect. To the subject of the <i>Voice</i>, it indicates that you can be seduced by something as simple
as a batting doe-eye smile or the wagging of a tail. It is indecent to teach
babies and pets that the world will unfold to their whims, and debilitating to
one’s reputation to be seen as so pliant. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style";">Both doting parents
and pet owners who use the <i>Passive
Regressive Voice</i> raise serious questions on the legitimacy of their mental
stability and prowess. Strangers who use the <i>Voice</i> are to be shunned on principle. A Vile Old Queen suggests
avoiding both infants and companion animals that one does not consider a blood
relation, or does not own. If one <i>must </i>encounter
such diminutive creatures, merely use a weak smile and nod, then turn away. </span></span>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- From
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">A Vile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living</span></i></a></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "Edwardian Script ITC";"> </span></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a><img alt="" border="0" height="1" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span><br />
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Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-88687958520228412412012-06-19T12:19:00.000-05:002013-09-21T16:43:36.228-05:00On Minding your P’s and Q’s<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s200/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" width="131" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 16.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">On Minding your P’s and Q’s</span></b></span></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Many people erroneously believe that the Phrase
‘Mind you P’s and Q’s’ instructs one to "mind your manners," or<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>"mind your language," or
"be on your best behavior.” All of these ideas are absolutely wrong and
utterly miss the very important point. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Mind your P’s and Q’s </span></i><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">instructs one on the necessity of paying all heed
and deference to the two twin pillars of every community worth being part of; <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Princesses </i>and<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> Queens.</i> </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Princesses </span></i><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">by their nature, embody all that is worthwhile in glamour and taste.
Ignoring the advice or command of a Princess can result in low debasement of
one’s social position, and banishment from the best parties. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">Queens</span></i><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">, however, are the ultimate authority of everything and everyone. They
are the key gatekeepers of all cultural endeavors, maintain the aesthetics of
all the best nations, and are never to be ignored. While crossing a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Princess</i> can cost one one’s social
standing and position, crossing a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Queen</i>
can result in actual physical harm, ranging from merely having one’s wig tossed
aside, to actual beheading. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">No one is more
respected and feared than a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Queen,</i>
with the exception of a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nun</i>. No one
has ever successfully crossed a <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nun</i>,
as they <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">always win</i>. </span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Cambria; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">While <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Queens</i> are often treacherously in
disguise, fortunately all <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Nuns</i> wear a
simple symbolic emblem around their neck to warn everyone that they must <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">never be crossed.</i> </span></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;">- From
-<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><i> </i></span><a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living</span></i></a></span><style>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "Edwardian Script ITC";"> </span></span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=cm_cr_mts_prod_img" target="_blank"><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>Purchase through Amazon </i></span></b></span></a></span></span></i></span></b>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></div>
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" /></a>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-35594527021074928632012-06-12T00:59:00.000-05:002012-10-19T22:43:54.368-05:00Occupy Wall Street Fails to Impress Baby BoomersOccupy Wall Street Fails to Impress Baby Boomers - <i>"At least we had better music at Woodstock."</i><br />
<br />
Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-20317952386041489612012-06-09T16:43:00.000-05:002012-10-19T22:44:16.970-05:00Cheney Receives Heart Transplant From Short Round<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 16pt;">Cheney
Receives Heart Transplant </span></b><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 16pt;">3/24/2012</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">At 71 years of age, former <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Vice President Dick Cheney</b> received a full organ heart transplant
from his unwilling eleven-year old Chinese Sherpa <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Short Round</b>, at the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Experimental
Hospital of Dark Side Medicine</b>. Head Cardiac Surgeon and High Priest <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Mola Ram</b> says the American dignitary
and dedicated supplicant to the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">War
Goddess Kali </b>is in good spirits and relatively good health. Brief services
for Short Round were held at a hidden location under the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Temple of Doom. </b>Officials at the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">International Criminal Court</b> were overjoyed to hear that now they
had a possible ten more years to bring War Crime charges against Cheney. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">In related news, former <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">President</b> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Jimmy Carter</b>
is asking <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Wizard</b> for a
transplant of courage, and former <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">President
George W. Bush</b> is requesting a brain. Emerald City Officials would not
comment on their relative positions on the Organ Donor Lists, but indicated
that Carter’s transplant would certainly be easier, as his soul is so much
wider than Bush’s skull. </span></div>
Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-81808234229149144782012-06-06T22:53:00.001-05:002012-10-19T22:44:27.095-05:00Supreme Court Rules Democratic Representational Government Unconstitutional<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 16pt;">Supreme Court Rules Democratic
Representational Government Unconstitutional</span></b><br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 16pt;">6/8/2012</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">In
a stunning move by the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Supreme Court</b>
today, the nation's highest judicial body ruled that democratically elected
representational government was unconstitutional. The 5 to 4 vote Majority vote
sited strict originalist interpretation to the founding father's document, to
rule that all forms of representational government practiced in the last 200
years in the United States were <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"At
odds with the original intent of the Constitution". </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">In
their ruling of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"Rich Greedy Bastards Vs. The Population of the United
States"</i></b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">,</i> the Supreme
Court threw out a long history of civil liberty advancements for all peoples of
non-Caucasian descent and for all women. Instead, the court ruled, government
can only represent white men with land holdings. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">The
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">GOP</b> declared the victory one of <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"substantial moral authority," </i>and
declared that the <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Republican Party</b>
would be 'purged' of all non-white, non-male members. In addition, the GOP
declared they would also remove non-Christian members from their political
party, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">'for good measure.'</i></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">While
elected officials throughout the majority of Southern and Mid-Western States
seemed overjoyed at the ruling, formerly serving U.S. officials on both the
East and West Coast, as well as previously elected officials in most major
cities, were stunned and outraged by their immediate disenfranchisement and
loss of jobs. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">"They just don't get it,"</span></i><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;"> formerly democratically elected
President Barack Obama</span></b><span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;"> said, in a clipped interview before he
was bodily escorted out of the White House. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"Most
of these people in the GOP don't have any land either!" </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">Political
Analysts believe that the Supreme Court decision was influenced in large part
by <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">The Greedy Quadrillionaire Super-Pac
For American Prosperity And White Hegemony</b> who spent over
Eight-Hundred-Billion dollars in their media blitz campaign.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">In
related news, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">former Supreme Court Judge
Clarence Thomas</b> finally broke his six-year silence on the bench, when the
enormity of what he had voted for finally became clear, and he said, <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">"Oh Shit."</i></span><br />
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14pt;">From -<i><span style="font-size: small;"> A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living </span></i></span></h4>
</div>
Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-92145542148219385482012-06-04T16:39:00.001-05:002012-10-19T22:44:40.491-05:00The National Big Murder Show<span style="font-size: small;"><b><i>This Week In Review:</i></b><b> </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>Psycho-Con
</b>and <b>The</b> <b>National Big Murder Show</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Champions of the recent national rise in hatred
toward our government inevitably support their convictions with examples of the
corruption at every level of leadership; local, regional, and national. To
suspect less of government might be naive. One must recall that in <i>every</i> level of government there exists
not only demagogues and greedy liars, but personal heroics, selfless acts, and
diligence for the greater good. Thankfully, those countless quiet stories of
justice and fortitude are, much to our mutual pleasure, never told. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Instead we have <b><u>The Golden Book of One Hundred Serial Killers</u>, </b>for ages 8+.,
complete with accompanying sticker sets of victims. For the younger audience, <b><u>My Favorite Psychos Coloring Book</u></b>,
allows even the most spatially challenged toddler’s hands to produce works
leaden with content. While the segue from political hardball to mass murder has
historically been a short walk, one can not escape the recent ruling in favor of <b><u>Jack and Jill and The Bucket of Blood</u></b>
as a primary cause for collective anxieties now so feverishly embraced by the
nation. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">At <b>Psycho-Con</b>,
and it’s demographic rival, <b>The National
Big Murder Show</b>, <i>political</i> mass murder is the new crowd favorite.
Lines at the new <b>Stalin</b> stimulation
games were long, and by necessity, tortuous. The <b>Ghengis Kahn</b> licensed school supplies were top movers, and even the
perennially
successful <b>Charles Manson</b> figurines
were overshadowed by the upstart fever over the newly released <b>Covert Black Ops Trading Cards</b>, and
remotely controlled <b>Predator Drone
Action Toys</b>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Manny Tuckhaven, a seasoned mass murderer
collector (M&M in the trade), believes the new resurgence in political mass
murder is a welcome break from the more traditional obsessions with low-volume
insane criminals, or LVIC. "The LVICs will always be a part of the
American Dream, but the new kids are bringing all those classics out of
retirement, like Goebbels and Napolean and Panama. With support like this, I’m
sure we'll see some fresh blood in the arena in no time.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><b>The
National Big Murder Show</b> is at the Convention Center now through
the end of the Month. Free admission for documented victims of collateral
damage. </span></div>
Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5633087305491700710.post-70600384781582572322012-05-19T20:49:00.002-05:002014-03-01T20:30:37.140-06:00On Speaking French<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s1600/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZkEyfLxS2vlL0T8SK8DQ3ORjQFypDiHqiT0VurfNb0wUndQ4k_jwHaNqEVF28MOBIdV1TvK2tSRYFm-TeZd39pZkJC_2ND-9wdE6h__xoR4KTUGVgYW6iq7KBeodXD4ZiF4WHlaNIRac/s200/Bee+Cover+C.jpg" height="200" width="131" /></a></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><u><b>On Speaking French </b></u><br /><br />An American in France, and especially Paris, is advised to make an effort to speak the language, lest one find themselves under the harsh glare of the French citizen, hardened against understanding your simple pleas for a meal that isn't tripe. An earnest smile can not bridge this divide, as the French regard a smile as suspect of lunacy or idiocy, both of which - in the French mind - the American is prone.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;"><br />But most cannot master those tortured vowels with an American jaw. Even worse, those who have suffered long years listening to recordings of the squealing voice of the female French speaker and the Barry White tones of the male, have become somewhat pickled into the false sense that all French woman's registers are of angelic sopranos, and all French men speak the deepest base. This is not the case, even in Paris; the most beautiful city in the world that never, ever changes, despite the best efforts of the Pompidou. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">I wish to share a special skill I have developed to solve this conundrum. First, one must master the smallest bit of French comprehension in <i>hearing</i>, for no other reason that to avoid being run down by their curiously quiet trains and ambulances. The next is to learn to <i>read</i> the simplest menu French, as one must by all means, however adventurous one is at home, avoid ordering the tripe. I once made the mistake of asking an indulgent waiter what the <i>Tripe a L'Andulisian</i> was like, and was told, in the cold formality of all French waiters, that "The French love it." I misunderstood the emphasis, thinking he meant, "The French <i>love</i> it," and thus you will too, when in fact he meant "The <i>French</i> love it," but you will throw-up. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Master these two small skills, but restrain oneself from <i>speaking</i> the tongue, which is a foolhardy endeavor prone to failure, even for the Canadians of Quebec. Instead, substitute a special pidgin of sincere effort and utter defeat. For example, say, <i>"Je parle français très mal à la tête”</i> in exaggerated and self-deprecating tones, to indicate that "I speak French very badly," by saying "I speak French with a very bad headache.” The Parisian will answer in flawless English, and thus signify to you both their perfect mastery of all things and your utter failure, and thus leaves them disdainfully self-satisfied, the most natural state for a Parisian. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: large;">Employing this strategy makes the French coyly pliant to your need to find a bathroom that won't fold itself up to clean itself while you are still inside, or to a locate Metro stop where one doesn't have to walk up thirty-five floors of the most picturesque tiled spiral staircase you have ever cursed at in the ripest Anglo Saxonism one can muster.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h4>
<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: large;">From -<i> <a href="http://www.lulu.com/shop/jason-messinger/a-vile-old-queens-guide-to-etiquette-and-proper-living/paperback/product-20969278.html">A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living</a></i></span> </h4>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/130073096X/ref=as_li_tf_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=130073096X&linkCode=as2&tag=jasonmecom-20">Purchase on AMAZON</a></span></b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: x-large;"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://ir-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/ir?t=jasonmecom-20&l=as2&o=1&a=130073096X" height="1" style="border: medium none ! important; margin: 0px ! important;" width="1" /></span></b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Goudy Old Style"; font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Times; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;"> </span></div>
<a href="http://www.lulu.com/commerce/index.php?fBuyContent=13643389"><img alt="Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu." border="0" src="http://static.lulu.com/images/services/buy_now_buttons/us/book_blue2.gif?20130424093108" /></a>Jason Messingerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03567104029221876546noreply@blogger.com