No celebration displays more overblown
enthusiasm for what is, in fact, the slimmest of accomplishments. In general,
birthdays are simply an excuse to eat cake.
Only a handful of birthdays have real
significance; the 13th for Jews, the 15th for Hispanic
girls, the 16th for girls of a certain class, and the 18th
for Americans who believe that their political vote actually matters. Appropriate
gifts are cash (Bar and Bat Mitzvahs),
a crucifix (Quinceañera), jewelry or
a car (Sweet Sixteen), and one’s restraint
from destroying their naive foolish hopes (Enfranchisement.)
The two most important birthdays, of course, are when one reaches Legal Drinking Age, and Age of Consent, the gifts for which are
While A Vile Old Queen discourages gifts for
anyone else whose only achievement is that they survived yet another year,
there are times when one must provide
a gift, if only to enjoy the cake.
Here then is AVOQ’s recommended list of age
appropriate gifts. Remember that the gift wrap should match the ribbon, and the
transparency of the tape should reflect the opacity of your genuine regard.
"With men’s slacks, the more expensive they are, the more fasteners are sewn in. An inexpensive pair of jeans have a button and a zipper, while a true gentleman’s slacks will add from two to four additional buttons, and at least one hook and eye system ‘just in case’.
A similarly redundancy can be found in costly woman’s brassieres. The lesson is that casualness in the ability to strip is inversely proportionate to wealth. Remember that the next time you are inebriated."
The Sweet Smith There
was a place where a sweet smith lived, who made sweets for children and
adults. He made sweets as yellow as sunshine, and as dark as earth.
Sweets as finely carved as insects, and as crudely shaped as rocks. Some
were small like raindrops, others large as millstones. Some were as
thin as a spider’s web, others as brittle as a wasp nest. But all were
as sweet as the honey bee’s home, as sweet as your first secret kiss, as
sweet as a baby’s ten toes. The sweet smith delighted everyone with his
creations, but especially himself. Now
in this same place was a woman who knew all the names of everything,
and all the words ever written, and all the ways that this becomes that,
and that becomes this. But one thing always eluded the woman, one thing
she could not learn. What was inside her own heart? At last the woman
decided that perhaps someone else could see what eluded her, so she
found the sweet smith and gave him a request. "Make me a sweet that is
filled the same as my own heart." The
sweet smith looked in his recipe books, and searched through his
shelves. He went a great distance for the things he needed, and spent a
long time perfecting his plan. At last he made the sweet, and called the
woman in. "Here it is," said the sweet smith. "Here is the sweet, filled the same as your own heart." "Ah," said the woman who picked it up, then put it down, then turned around and left. "Wait," cried the sweet smith, "don’t you want to taste?" "You eat it," smiled the woman, walking away. From The Insect Diviner The Insect Diviner in PRINT The Insect Diviner as PDF Download The Insect Diviner on KINDLE
When dealing with unwanted Party Guests, there is only one sure method to make them depart - offer them Raclette Cheese. Here is the recipe for success:
1) Announce gaily that you have a special treat you are going to serve. Try not to smirk at the expectant smiles of your inebriated guests.
2) Unwrap the Raclette Cheese. It will smell impossibly bad, like the toes of a filthy hobo, or a long unattended infection. Let the cheese rest on the counter, while your more delicate guests begin to find their coats. 3) Prepare the condiments for the cheese; cubed bread, gherkin pickles, small boiled potatoes. The more adventurous eaters will now draw closer to you - and the fatal blow.
4) Melt the cheese over low heat in a saucepan. The previously condensed malodorous stench will be unbound from the cheese, and expand in the air like a chemical weapon of biblical proportions. Do not worry about guests who are soiling your bedroom in furtive encounters, or are looting your medicine cabinet behind a locked door, the stench will reach even the farthest reaches of one’s home.
5) Exchange your hurried good-byes with the remaining guests, who all suddenly realized that they left an iron on, or a baby sitter unpaid, or had just received an urgent call from an ill relative and just had to leave.
6) Minutes later, with everyone gone, go back to the kitchen, where the cheese has now released its toxic smell and turned into an appetizing treat both unctuous and quite delicious. Enjoy the sublime vindication of eating it all by yourself.
On Weddings Few
things are more loathsome in life than a wedding; the pompous
invitation, the terribly forced and unnatural schedule, the
uncomfortable and unattractive attire. A guest list that rarely includes
anyone you want to talk to. The gaucherie of a gift registry. The
horrific music and dancing. All covered with the slickly sickening sheen
of religious piety and social necessity. A
Vile Old Queen suggests one avoid attending all weddings if at all
possible. For gifts, despite all indications to the contrary, everyone
prefers cash. If your own wedding is in development, elopement may prove
a saner course. If
one has a sadistic trait, however, your own marriage can make sweet
retribution for all the weddings you felt obligated to attend. There is
no better vengeance than being the Bride and selecting the Bridesmaid’s
gowns. If one has the misfortune to be the Best Man, the toast is your
time for revenge. If one is the Groom, remember that, like in surgery,
the right amount of anesthesia can make it all go away.