A VIle Old Queen's Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

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A Vile Old Queen's Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

A Vile Old Queen's Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

A Vile Old Queen offers the most nuanced advice on proper manners, correct grammar, personal hygiene, social obligations, and how to maintain one's social position at the best parties.

Dedicated to the Vile Old Queen's of a bygone yesteryear. 

That's you, Darling. 

From A Straight Fan - "Gay humor that anyone will laugh with."  
From Your Favorite Bachelor Uncle - "If don't you find this funny, you must be dead." 
From A Jealous Evil Queen - "Sometimes the best thing to do is remain silent."

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On Fashion

excerpt from On Fashion

Hats are best left to professionals, unless one is attending Church or a Sunday Brunch, in which case there are no wrong choices, merely less heroic ones.

from A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette and Proper Living

Hopeless

Hopeless
 
If you still have hanging
a Christmas stocking
on the first day of Spring,
you need to know;
Santa 
isn't 
coming.

 

from "Storytelling" by Jason Messinger

Storytelling in PRINT 

Storytelling as PDF File Download 

Storytelling on KINDLE

 

On Body Odor

On Body Odor

Body odor is very much like hair; in the right place it’s a sexual stimulant that is captivating to the senses and a signifier of beauty and allure. In the wrong place it’s a disgusting and repulsive insult that can cause grown men to gag in reflex. A Vile Old Queen suggests these small tips for keeping one’s body odor pleasant and agreeable.

– Avoid strenuous exercise if at all possible. Perspiration is merely the tip of disagreeableness of this iceberg.

– If one uses cologne, remember the idea is to create an intimate whiff of a subtle scent for someone standing a hand’s breadth apart from you. It is not to cause people three feet away to tear up and gasp for breath. If people wince as you enter an elevator, it is a clue that you have applied too much.

– When seeking to purchase a personal scent, anything excreted by a small mammal is only appropriate if one wishes to attract the same small mammal. AVOQ suggests psychological counseling if that is one’s true inclination.

– When considering a scent endorsed by a musical celebrity, remember that their actual bodily secretions were not used to create it.

– If you encounter the girl offering a free sample spray at the fragrance station in a department store, remember that anything given away is usually worth exactly what you paid for it.

– Lastly, but most importantly, unless one is a Lesbian Hippie with a terrible sense of personal boundaries, the wearing of Patchouli Oil should be avoided at all times. No other scent lingers so long, nor causes such nausea. Patchouli Oil has been implicated in the death of the Sixties.

 
From A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette And Proper Living

The Aviary

If God is a Dove
cooing our law,
then are Humans an Eagle
entrails in claw?

If Honor is a Crane
poised on one leg,
then is Pride a Peacock
atop a cracked egg?

If Joy is the Rooster
crowing the morn,
then is Dread the Raven
cawing forlorn?

If Wishes are Starlings
both weaving and fleet,
then are Curses Vultures
that chew out our sweet?

If Fate is an Albatross
hung huge cross our flight,
then is Luck an Owl,
both wisdom and fright?

If Love is the Robin
hope burnt with each cheep,
then is Loss the Nightingale
who sings us to weep?

And am I the Crow;
the trickster, the wit?
Or I am the Dodo;
fat, foolish, unfit?

Will You be the Falcon,
hearts pierced with your dive?
Or are You the Canary,
who warns our demise?

Ashenputtle

Ashenputtle

Here is quiet
locked in the body by the hearth.
Resolve a fine lace
worn thin around her heart.
Where is pride
when shoes are rags,
when clothes are as patched
as freedom?

Here is spite,
the stepmother archetype,
her brood of jealousy.
Worked into the frenzied cruelty
of the well dressed,
the well heeled,
the socially ambitious.
Who dares to travel
to the Prince’s Ball?
Here is pride
as tart as vinegar.

Here is vanity, genie bottle,
maternal substitute,
beauty makeover.
The great mirror
in which dark is light,
gourds are carriages,
mice are stallions,
rags are haute couture.
Where is modesty
when you’re better accessorized
than Barbie?

Here is gaiety
for the King’s best son;
the whirligig,
the swooning girls,
a real gas.
Fetching as a pumpkin pie,
succulent partner
with the fireplace eyes.
Dream date romance,
truer than Harlequin’s,
dry as ash.

Here is modesty-
Midnight bell,
the virgin’s best friend.
Chastely, quickly,
fleeing into poverty.
Carriage rots.
Stallions squeak.
Her only trace
Chanel number 5
and the best looking shoe
in the world.

Here is obsession
for the riches and glory
of the perfect foot
for the perfect shoe.
So pretty it hurts.
A brutal rite,
a fainting bind,
a bloody stump.
Here is obsession
as clear as glass.

Here is happiness
like a sieve.
Foot fetish marries
the cleaning compulsive.
What love lasts 
when beauty fades?
The sullen remorse,
the childless castle,
the hateful family.
Perfect.
To bed by midnight
in glass slippers.

What price a dream
without practicality?
Who cares for cake
without a meal?
Here is hope
a dusty treasure
murmured softly,
longingly,
by the fire.
Crystal clear.



From EATING THE CHILD WITHIN
Eating the Child Within Kindle Version
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On Bridal Showers

On Bridal Showers

 

Unless one works as a professional stripper, one should avoid attendance of the Bridal Shower if at all possible. The company of squealing women pretending to enjoy the prospect of another’s blighted plan for marriage is a sure path to despair. If one must attend, better to come pre-fortified with strong drink or the tranquilizer of one’s choice.

When choosing a gift, consider the bride carefully. While you may enjoy the marital aid with the choice of three speeds and five clever configurations, she may be mortified, particularly over such seemingly minor details as color and girth. Like breakfast eggs, the preferences in one’s sex toys are painfully particular to the individual. Unless mortification is one’s aim, a more decorous choice might be something silky only one size too small with a discrete return tag at the bottom of the box.

While at the event, avoid all mention of your personally experienced missteps of the groom’s sexual history. It is her bed, and now she will have to lay in it. Instead smile through whatever inane choices the bride plans for the wedding and honeymoon, and spend that time considering a good excuse to avoid becoming a bridesmaid. In a pinch, the whispered confession of a highly contagious skin disease should do the trick.

- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living
VileOldQueen.com

On Handbags

On Handbags

The scale of one’s handbag should be inversely proportional to the accomplishments of one’s life goals. If you heft an ninety-pound sack filled with the detritus of your sad life it is probably needlessly swollen by your empty intentions. 

Consider the heiress, going out for the evening with a bag so small she may only squeeze in a credit card, a tube of lip gloss, and a single evening’s stash of drugs. In a pinch she may slip the tiny clutch into a crevice of her own body, (not advised when the bag is jeweled).

Unless one is smuggling endangered animals, or shoplifting mink coats, an overly large bag may be indicative of a serious mental condition. If you need an entire passenger seat of a vehicle to carry your purse, you should consider seeking professional help.

Men who carry a handbag should be cautioned that, in America, a masculine and subdued palette and workmanlike construction is preferable to glossy or ‘fun’ materials and bright colors. In Italy, however, the men have more flamboyant purses than the women. This is not to be confused with homosexuality, as straight Italian men have been known to wear Capri slacks.


- From AVile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living
VileOldQueen.com

On The Passive Regressive Voice

On the Passive Regressive Voice

The Passive Regressive Voice is one which all of us know intuitively, but few really understand. It is the particular voice most people use when they encounter small babies and warm-blooded pets. It is characterized by a sing-song cadence, an excessive amount of nonsense words, and what can best be described as cooing.

Avoid the use of the Passive Regressive Voice at all times. To the outsider, it indicates one has suffered a stroke, or perhaps a congenital brain defect. To the subject of the Voice, it indicates that you can be seduced by something as simple as a batting doe-eye smile or the wagging of a tail. It is indecent to teach babies and pets that the world will unfold to their whims, and debilitating to one’s reputation to be seen as so pliant.

Both doting parents and pet owners who use the Passive Regressive Voice raise serious questions on the legitimacy of their mental stability and prowess. Strangers who use the Voice are to be shunned on principle. A Vile Old Queen suggests avoiding both infants and companion animals that one does not consider a blood relation, or does not own. If one must encounter such diminutive creatures, merely use a weak smile and nod, then turn away.

- From A Vile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living
 

On Minding your P’s and Q’s

On Minding your P’s and Q’s

Many people erroneously believe that the Phrase ‘Mind you P’s and Q’s’ instructs one to "mind your manners," or  "mind your language," or "be on your best behavior.” All of these ideas are absolutely wrong and utterly miss the very important point.

Mind your P’s and Q’s instructs one on the necessity of paying all heed and deference to the two twin pillars of every community worth being part of; Princesses and Queens.

Princesses by their nature, embody all that is worthwhile in glamour and taste. Ignoring the advice or command of a Princess can result in low debasement of one’s social position, and banishment from the best parties.

Queens, however, are the ultimate authority of everything and everyone. They are the key gatekeepers of all cultural endeavors, maintain the aesthetics of all the best nations, and are never to be ignored. While crossing a Princess can cost one one’s social standing and position, crossing a Queen can result in actual physical harm, ranging from merely having one’s wig tossed aside, to actual beheading.

No one is more respected and feared than a Queen, with the exception of a Nun. No one has ever successfully crossed a Nun, as they always win.

While Queens are often treacherously in disguise, fortunately all Nuns wear a simple symbolic emblem around their neck to warn everyone that they must never be crossed.


- From - A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living