On Dealing With Unwanted Guests

When dealing with unwanted Party Guests, there is only one sure method to make them depart - offer them Raclette Cheese.

Here is the recipe for success:


1) Announce gaily that you have a special treat you are going to serve. Try not to smirk at the expectant smiles of your inebriated

2) Unwrap the Raclette Cheese. It will smell impossibly bad, like the toes of a filthy hobo, or a long unattended infection. Let the
cheese rest on the counter, while your more delicate guests begin to find their coats.

3) Prepare the condiments for the cheese; cubed bread, gherkin pickles, small boiled potatoes. The more adventurous eaters will now draw closer to you - and the fatal blow.

4) Melt the cheese over low heat in a saucepan. The previously condensed malodorous stench will be unbound from the cheese, and expand in the air like a chemical weapon of biblical proportions. Do not worry about guests who are soiling your bedroom in furtive encounters, or are looting your medicine cabinet behind a locked door, the stench will reach even the farthest reaches of one’s home.

5) Exchange your hurried good-byes with the remaining guests, who all suddenly realized that they left an iron on, or a baby sitter unpaid, or had just received an urgent call from an ill relative and just had to leave.

6) Minutes later, with everyone gone, go back to the kitchen, where the cheese has now released its toxic smell and turned into an
appetizing treat both unctuous and quite delicious. Enjoy the sublime vindication of eating it all by yourself.

- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

Support independent publishing: Buy this book on Lulu.