On
Birthdays
No celebration displays more overblown
enthusiasm for what is, in fact, the slimmest of accomplishments. In general,
birthdays are simply an excuse to eat cake.
Only a handful of birthdays have real
significance; the 13th for Jews, the 15th for Hispanic
girls, the 16th for girls of a certain class, and the 18th
for Americans who believe that their political vote actually matters. Appropriate
gifts are cash (Bar and Bat Mitzvahs),
a crucifix (Quinceañera), jewelry or
a car (Sweet Sixteen), and one’s restraint
from destroying their naive foolish hopes (Enfranchisement.)
The two most important birthdays, of course, are when one reaches Legal Drinking Age, and Age of Consent, the gifts for which are
self-evident.
While A Vile Old Queen discourages gifts for
anyone else whose only achievement is that they survived yet another year,
there are times when one must provide
a gift, if only to enjoy the cake.
Here then is AVOQ’s recommended list of age
appropriate gifts. Remember that the gift wrap should match the ribbon, and the
transparency of the tape should reflect the opacity of your genuine regard.
Birthday Gift
1
– 8 Candy
(for child)
Sedatives
(for parents)
9
– 12 Amusing
Wig (for boys)
Attractive
Wig (for girls)
Strong
Drink (for parents)
13
– 17 Boarding
School (for own child)
Prophylactics
(for other’s child)
18
– 20 Bail
(for own child)
Request of dealer’s phone # (other’s)
21 Invitation
to leave home (own child)
Invitation
to come home (other’s)
22
– 29 Good
Fellatio (boys)
Fancy
Dinner (girls)
30
– 49 Nice
Wine and Good Drugs (friends)
Cheap
Wine and Bad Drugs (foes)
50
– 59 Plastic
Surgeon Referral
60
– 69 Pharmaceutical
Tips
70
– 79 Candy
(for senior)
Sedatives
(for adult child caregiver)
80+ Stripper
(for senior)
Iron
Clad Will (for adult child)
Cash
with Big Tip (for stripper)
Purchase on AMAZON
