Dipped

‘Dipped’

Before the plague

unleashed it’s sickle

our lives were pickle, 

multicolor stipple,

salt and sweet and sour,

a changing relish every hour.

And now our lives -

homogenized,

All our days

are mayonnaise.  

But sirens slather us in loss,

injustice burns like pepper sauce,

our mouths are spiced in rage, dissent.

Pain remains our condiment.

• Jason Messinger 6/22/2020

Roses are Dread

Valentine

Roses are dread.
Violets are rue.
Orchids are panic.
Tulips; untrue.

Flowers are horrors.
Jewelry, malign. 
Cards are all sorrow.
But Chocolates? Sublime.

“Twelve Months- a meditation on aging” - by Autocorrect

“Twelve Months- a meditation on aging” 

- by Autocorrect 

Janitorial

Febrifuge

Marred

Apraxia

Mayo

Junky

Julep

Aughts

Septoplasty

Octogenarian

Novocaine

Decimate

On Birthdays - From a Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette And Proper Living

On Birthdays

No celebration displays more overblown enthusiasm for what is, in fact, the slimmest of accomplishments. In general, birthdays are simply an excuse to eat cake.

Only a handful of birthdays have real significance; the 13^th for Jews, the 15^th for Hispanic girls, the 16^th for girls of a certain class, and the 18^th for Americans who believe that their political vote actually matters. Appropriate gifts are cash (Bar and Bat Mitzvahs), a crucifix (Quinceañera), jewelry or a car (Sweet Sixteen), and one’s restraint from destroying their naive foolish hopes (Enfranchisement.) 

The two most important birthdays, of course, are when one reaches Legal Drinking Age, and Age of Consent, the gifts for which are self-evident. 

While A Vile Old Queen discourages gifts for anyone else whose only achievement is that they survived yet another year, there are times when one must provide a gift, if only to enjoy the cake. 

Here then is AVOQ’s recommended list of age appropriate gifts. Remember that the gift wrap should match the ribbon, and the transparency of the tape should reflect the opacity of your genuine regard.

Birthday         Gift     

1 – 8               Candy (for child)

                        Sedatives (for parents)

9 – 12             Amusing Wig (for boys)

                        Attractive Wig (for girls)

                        Strong Drink (for parents)           

13 – 17            Boarding School (for own child)

                        Prophylactics (for other’s child)

18 – 20           Bail (for own child)

Request of dealer’s phone # (other’s)

21                    Invitation to leave home (own child)

                        Invitation to come home (other’s)

22 – 29          Good Fellatio (boys)

                        Fancy Dinner (girls)

30 – 49          Nice Wine and Good Drugs (friends)

                        Cheap Wine and Bad Drugs (foes)

50 – 59          Plastic Surgeon Referral

60 – 69          Pharmaceutical Tips

70 – 79          Candy (for senior)

                        Sedatives (for adult child caregiver)

80+                Stripper (for senior)

                        Iron Clad Will (for adult child)

                        Cash with Big Tip (for stripper)

- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

On Slacks - from "A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette and Proper Living"

"With men’s slacks, the more expensive they are, the more fasteners are sewn in. An inexpensive pair of jeans have a button and a zipper, while a true gentleman’s slacks will add from two to four additional buttons, and at least one hook and eye system ‘just in case’. 

A similarly redundancy can be found in costly woman’s brassieres. The lesson is that casualness in the ability to strip is inversely proportionate to wealth. Remember that the next time you are inebriated."


- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

In honor of Valentine's Day

The Sweet Smith

There was a place where a sweet smith lived, who made sweets for children and adults. He made sweets as yellow as sunshine, and as dark as earth. Sweets as finely carved as insects, and as crudely shaped as rocks. Some were small like raindrops, others large as millstones. Some were as thin as a spider’s web, others as brittle as a wasp nest. But all were as sweet as the honey bee’s home, as sweet as your first secret kiss, as sweet as a baby’s ten toes. The sweet smith delighted everyone with his creations, but especially himself.

Now in this same place was a woman who knew all the names of everything, and all the words ever written, and all the ways that this becomes that, and that becomes this. But one thing always eluded the woman, one thing she could not learn. What was inside her own heart? At last the woman decided that perhaps someone else could see what eluded her, so she found the sweet smith and gave him a request. "Make me a sweet that is filled the same as my own heart."

The sweet smith looked in his recipe books, and searched through his shelves. He went a great distance for the things he needed, and spent a long time perfecting his plan. At last he made the sweet, and called the woman in.

"Here it is," said the sweet smith. "Here is the sweet, filled the same as your own heart."

"Ah," said the woman who picked it up, then put it down, then turned around and left.

"Wait," cried the sweet smith, "don’t you want to taste?"

"You eat it," smiled the woman, walking away.


From The Insect Diviner
The Insect Diviner in PRINT 
The Insect Diviner as PDF Download 
The Insect Diviner on KINDLE

On the Wearing of Bolo Ties

On The Wearing of Bolo Ties

A Bolo Tie is not a necktie, it is a shoelace with delusions of grandeur. Unless one has at least 500 head of cattle, or sells turquoise jewelry for a living, one should avoid this affectation.

- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

"Newest Addition on Shop.Lulu.com !"

Jason Messinger's hysterical Etiquette Guide -  
"A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette & Proper Living,"
is the newest addition to the Shop Lulu On-line Book Store !

Look for it under Twitter Trend Setters 
and get Free Shipping (coupon code SHIPSHAPE14)

http://shop.lulu.com

On Dealing With Unwanted Guests

When dealing with unwanted Party Guests, there is only one sure method to make them depart - offer them Raclette Cheese.

Here is the recipe for success:
 
1) Announce gaily that you have a special treat you are going to serve. Try not to smirk at the expectant smiles of your inebriated
guests.
 
2) Unwrap the Raclette Cheese. It will smell impossibly bad, like the toes of a filthy hobo, or a long unattended infection. Let the
cheese rest on the counter, while your more delicate guests begin to find their coats.

3) Prepare the condiments for the cheese; cubed bread, gherkin pickles, small boiled potatoes. The more adventurous eaters will now draw closer to you - and the fatal blow.
 
4) Melt the cheese over low heat in a saucepan. The previously condensed malodorous stench will be unbound from the cheese, and expand in the air like a chemical weapon of biblical proportions. Do not worry about guests who are soiling your bedroom in furtive encounters, or are looting your medicine cabinet behind a locked door, the stench will reach even the farthest reaches of one’s home.
 
5) Exchange your hurried good-byes with the remaining guests, who all suddenly realized that they left an iron on, or a baby sitter unpaid, or had just received an urgent call from an ill relative and just had to leave.
 
6) Minutes later, with everyone gone, go back to the kitchen, where the cheese has now released its toxic smell and turned into an
appetizing treat both unctuous and quite delicious. Enjoy the sublime vindication of eating it all by yourself.


- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

A Vile Old Queen's Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living - available now!

 

A Vile Old Queen offers the most nuanced advice on proper manners, correct grammar, personal hygiene, social obligations, and how to maintain one's social position at the best parties. 

Dedicated to the Vile Old Queens 

of a bygone yesteryear

That's you, Darling

• Review From A Straight Fan - "Gay humor that anyone will laugh with!" 
• From Your Favorite Bachelor Uncle - "If don't you find this funny, you must be dead!" 
• From A Jealous Evil Queen - "Sometimes the best thing to do is remain silent." 
   

A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

VileOldQueen.com

On Weddings

On Weddings
Few things are more loathsome in life than a wedding; the pompous invitation, the terribly forced and unnatural schedule, the uncomfortable and unattractive attire. A guest list that rarely includes anyone you want to talk to. The gaucherie of a gift registry. The horrific music and dancing. All covered with the slickly sickening sheen of religious piety and social necessity.

A Vile Old Queen suggests one avoid attending all weddings if at all possible. For gifts, despite all indications to the contrary, everyone prefers cash. If your own wedding is in development, elopement may prove a saner course.

If one has a sadistic trait, however, your own marriage can make sweet retribution for all the weddings you felt obligated to attend. There is no better vengeance than being the Bride and selecting the Bridesmaid’s gowns. If one has the misfortune to be the Best Man, the toast is your time for revenge. If one is the Groom, remember that, like in surgery, the right amount of anesthesia can make it all go away.


- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living

VileOldQueen.com



Purchase on AMAZON

On Hats

Hats are best left to professionals, unless one is attending Church or a Sunday Brunch, in which case there are no wrong choices, merely less heroic ones.

from A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette and Proper Living





Purchase on AMAZON

Hopeless

Hopeless
 
If you still have hanging
a Christmas stocking
on the first day of Spring,
you need to know;
Santa 
isn't 
coming.

 

from "Storytelling" by Jason Messinger

Storytelling in PRINT 

Storytelling as PDF File Download 

Storytelling on KINDLE

 

On Body Odor

On Body Odor

Body odor is very much like hair; in the right place it’s a sexual stimulant that is captivating to the senses and a signifier of beauty and allure. In the wrong place it’s a disgusting and repulsive insult that can cause grown men to gag in reflex. A Vile Old Queen suggests these small tips for keeping one’s body odor pleasant and agreeable.

– Avoid strenuous exercise if at all possible. Perspiration is merely the tip of disagreeableness of this iceberg.

– If one uses cologne, remember the idea is to create an intimate whiff of a subtle scent for someone standing a hand’s breadth apart from you. It is not to cause people three feet away to tear up and gasp for breath. If people wince as you enter an elevator, it is a clue that you have applied too much.

– When seeking to purchase a personal scent, anything excreted by a small mammal is only appropriate if one wishes to attract the same small mammal. AVOQ suggests psychological counseling if that is one’s true inclination.

– When considering a scent endorsed by a musical celebrity, remember that their actual bodily secretions were not used to create it.

– If you encounter the girl offering a free sample spray at the fragrance station in a department store, remember that anything given away is usually worth exactly what you paid for it.

– Lastly, but most importantly, unless one is a Lesbian Hippie with a terrible sense of personal boundaries, the wearing of Patchouli Oil should be avoided at all times. No other scent lingers so long, nor causes such nausea. Patchouli Oil has been implicated in the death of the Sixties.

 
From A Vile Old Queen's Guide to Etiquette And Proper Living

Purchase on AMAZON

The Aviary

If God is a Dove
cooing our law,
then are Humans an Eagle
entrails in claw?

If Honor is a Crane
poised on one leg,
then is Pride a Peacock
atop a cracked egg?

If Joy is the Rooster
crowing the morn,
then is Dread the Raven
cawing forlorn?

If Wishes are Starlings
both weaving and fleet,
then are Curses Vultures
that chew out our sweet?

If Fate is an Albatross
hung huge cross our flight,
then is Luck an Owl,
both wisdom and fright?

If Love is the Robin
hope burnt with each cheep,
then is Loss the Nightingale
who sings us to weep?

And am I the Crow;
the trickster, the wit?
Or I am the Dodo;
fat, foolish, unfit?

Will You be the Falcon,
hearts pierced with your dive?
Or are You the Canary,
who warns our demise?

Ashenputtle

Ashenputtle

Here is quiet
locked in the body by the hearth.
Resolve a fine lace
worn thin around her heart.
Where is pride
when shoes are rags,
when clothes are as patched
as freedom?

Here is spite,
the stepmother archetype,
her brood of jealousy.
Worked into the frenzied cruelty
of the well dressed,
the well heeled,
the socially ambitious.
Who dares to travel
to the Prince’s Ball?
Here is pride
as tart as vinegar.

Here is vanity, genie bottle,
maternal substitute,
beauty makeover.
The great mirror
in which dark is light,
gourds are carriages,
mice are stallions,
rags are haute couture.
Where is modesty
when you’re better accessorized
than Barbie?

Here is gaiety
for the King’s best son;
the whirligig,
the swooning girls,
a real gas.
Fetching as a pumpkin pie,
succulent partner
with the fireplace eyes.
Dream date romance,
truer than Harlequin’s,
dry as ash.

Here is modesty-
Midnight bell,
the virgin’s best friend.
Chastely, quickly,
fleeing into poverty.
Carriage rots.
Stallions squeak.
Her only trace
Chanel number 5
and the best looking shoe
in the world.

Here is obsession
for the riches and glory
of the perfect foot
for the perfect shoe.
So pretty it hurts.
A brutal rite,
a fainting bind,
a bloody stump.
Here is obsession
as clear as glass.

Here is happiness
like a sieve.
Foot fetish marries
the cleaning compulsive.
What love lasts 
when beauty fades?
The sullen remorse,
the childless castle,
the hateful family.
Perfect.
To bed by midnight
in glass slippers.

What price a dream
without practicality?
Who cares for cake
without a meal?
Here is hope
a dusty treasure
murmured softly,
longingly,
by the fire.
Crystal clear.



From EATING THE CHILD WITHIN
Eating the Child Within Kindle Version
Order BOOK or download PDF
Jason Messinger Bookstore

On Bridal Showers

On Bridal Showers

 

Unless one works as a professional stripper, one should avoid attendance of the Bridal Shower if at all possible. The company of squealing women pretending to enjoy the prospect of another’s blighted plan for marriage is a sure path to despair. If one must attend, better to come pre-fortified with strong drink or the tranquilizer of one’s choice.

When choosing a gift, consider the bride carefully. While you may enjoy the marital aid with the choice of three speeds and five clever configurations, she may be mortified, particularly over such seemingly minor details as color and girth. Like breakfast eggs, the preferences in one’s sex toys are painfully particular to the individual. Unless mortification is one’s aim, a more decorous choice might be something silky only one size too small with a discrete return tag at the bottom of the box.

While at the event, avoid all mention of your personally experienced missteps of the groom’s sexual history. It is her bed, and now she will have to lay in it. Instead smile through whatever inane choices the bride plans for the wedding and honeymoon, and spend that time considering a good excuse to avoid becoming a bridesmaid. In a pinch, the whispered confession of a highly contagious skin disease should do the trick.

- From A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living
VileOldQueen.com

Purchase on AMAZON

On Handbags

On Handbags

The scale of one’s handbag should be inversely proportional to the accomplishments of one’s life goals. If you heft an ninety-pound sack filled with the detritus of your sad life it is probably needlessly swollen by your empty intentions. 

Consider the heiress, going out for the evening with a bag so small she may only squeeze in a credit card, a tube of lip gloss, and a single evening’s stash of drugs. In a pinch she may slip the tiny clutch into a crevice of her own body, (not advised when the bag is jeweled).

Unless one is smuggling endangered animals, or shoplifting mink coats, an overly large bag may be indicative of a serious mental condition. If you need an entire passenger seat of a vehicle to carry your purse, you should consider seeking professional help.

Men who carry a handbag should be cautioned that, in America, a masculine and subdued palette and workmanlike construction is preferable to glossy or ‘fun’ materials and bright colors. In Italy, however, the men have more flamboyant purses than the women. This is not to be confused with homosexuality, as straight Italian men have been known to wear Capri slacks.


- From AVile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living
VileOldQueen.com
 
Purchase on AMAZON

On The Passive Regressive Voice

On the Passive Regressive Voice

The Passive Regressive Voice is one which all of us know intuitively, but few really understand. It is the particular voice most people use when they encounter small babies and warm-blooded pets. It is characterized by a sing-song cadence, an excessive amount of nonsense words, and what can best be described as cooing.

Avoid the use of the Passive Regressive Voice at all times. To the outsider, it indicates one has suffered a stroke, or perhaps a congenital brain defect. To the subject of the Voice, it indicates that you can be seduced by something as simple as a batting doe-eye smile or the wagging of a tail. It is indecent to teach babies and pets that the world will unfold to their whims, and debilitating to one’s reputation to be seen as so pliant.

Both doting parents and pet owners who use the Passive Regressive Voice raise serious questions on the legitimacy of their mental stability and prowess. Strangers who use the Voice are to be shunned on principle. A Vile Old Queen suggests avoiding both infants and companion animals that one does not consider a blood relation, or does not own. If one must encounter such diminutive creatures, merely use a weak smile and nod, then turn away.

- From A Vile OldQueen’s GuideTo Etiquette And Proper Living
 
Purchase on AMAZON

On Minding your P’s and Q’s

On Minding your P’s and Q’s

Many people erroneously believe that the Phrase ‘Mind you P’s and Q’s’ instructs one to "mind your manners," or  "mind your language," or "be on your best behavior.” All of these ideas are absolutely wrong and utterly miss the very important point.

Mind your P’s and Q’s instructs one on the necessity of paying all heed and deference to the two twin pillars of every community worth being part of; Princesses and Queens.

Princesses by their nature, embody all that is worthwhile in glamour and taste. Ignoring the advice or command of a Princess can result in low debasement of one’s social position, and banishment from the best parties.

Queens, however, are the ultimate authority of everything and everyone. They are the key gatekeepers of all cultural endeavors, maintain the aesthetics of all the best nations, and are never to be ignored. While crossing a Princess can cost one one’s social standing and position, crossing a Queen can result in actual physical harm, ranging from merely having one’s wig tossed aside, to actual beheading.

No one is more respected and feared than a Queen, with the exception of a Nun. No one has ever successfully crossed a Nun, as they always win.

While Queens are often treacherously in disguise, fortunately all Nuns wear a simple symbolic emblem around their neck to warn everyone that they must never be crossed.


- From - A Vile Old Queen’s Guide To Etiquette And Proper Living
 Purchase through Amazon